Have you been cheated on?
I let that shit eat at me for years. I let another person’s poor behaviour turn me into the type of person I never wished upon anyone in a relationship. Or so I believed…
Here’s the thing – THEY DIDN’T TURN ME INTO ANYTHING. AND their behaviour didn’t turn me into anything either.
I ALLOWED myself to turn into an angry, suspicious person because another person CHOSE to act with poor behaviour.
That’s right, no matter HOW MUCH someone tries to palm the blame onto you as to why they CHOSE to cheat, it was their choice and theirs to own.
I emphasise CHOSE because drunk or on drugs is never a reason, angry is never a reason, sad is never a reason, NOTHING is ever a reason to cheat. Purely and simply they decided that that was the action they were going to take.
“I COULDN’T help it”, is the biggest palm off of reasons to behave negatively that I have ever heard. I’m talking both to the cheater now AND to the person who has been cheated on.
Someone cheating on you DOES NOT give you the right to become a suspicious, controlling person – that behaviour WILL NEVER get you where you want to be.
Instead, YOU become the person who is exhibiting unkind and unfair behaviour and as a result you live a life of constant drama, misery and anxiety. YOU are always in control of your behaviour, it is always a choice.
If someone cheats on you… LEAVE THAT SHIT WITH THEM! You have zero reason to prove or disprove anything, you do not need to be suspicious, because IF they have cheated, they are the ones that have to accept their cheating behaviour.
Does that make sense?
If you accuse wrongly YOU are the person who now becomes the torturous one. You must understand this. By definition of domestic abuse, jealous behaviours are definitely on the list.
Now I get a little deeper. Not only did I let my experience of being cheated on (more than once) engulf my true kind personality, I also became so dis-trusting of men that it meant that I began to treat men poorly too.
Can you see how our beliefs drive us?
Belief 1: Relationships are uplifting.
Belief 2: All men / women are cheats.
Can you see how each belief might affect your behaviour differently in your relationships?
You see with belief 2, there’s no where to go but misery. If you’re anything like I was you’ve lost respect for men / women as a species and as such aren’t really aware of how much of your past experiences you’re dumping onto the good people that come into your life.
So what to do about it?
It’s really VERY SIMPLE.
Let people be who they choose to be. Someone cheating on you or lying to you in any way doesn’t mean anything about you, it simply means that your values aren’t aligned.
Make your decisions upon hard facts only, not ‘thoughts in your head’.
If someone chooses to lie, let them lie.
If someone chooses to cheat, let them cheat.
YOU don’t need to prove if those things have or haven’t happened.
All you need to do, is be the person that YOU WANT TO BE. Don’t let their shit impact how you show up in the world.
“But Em… I don’t want to be with a person that does those things… that’s why I have to prove if they are faithful to me or not”.
YES, and that belief will drive you into suspicion. It will tear you apart AND IF you are in a loyal relationship it will tear that apart too. SO…
Enjoy being who you want to be each and every day. Enjoy your relationship each and every day.
Let all things come to the surface naturally AND THEN and only then, deal with them with grace.
If you’re are unhappy in your life right now, life is trying to tell you that a choice you are repetitively making IS NOT WORKING FOR YOU.
What choice are you repetitively making that isn’t working for you?
Brain storm a list and then next to each one flip the switch – write a list of opposite actions you could do instead.
A big driver for my behaviour used to be a fear of humiliation. I HAD TO KNOW if someone was being unfaithful to me.
So I’d search, and search, and search. And the searching became a habit and before I knew it I felt like I was going crazy. And of course as the relationship deteriorated I’d feel even more suspicious and even more insecure.
STOP THAT SHIT!
That right there is a belief to flip the switch on.
* I am scared of being humiliated FLIPPED TO; I am secure in myself at all times.
A fear of anything is only a story. Literally a story you’ve invented in your head. You can CHOOSE to change your story at any given moment. It’s a story because it came from you, from inside your head! It’s essentially yourself judging yourself!
So the important thing is to back yourself, to be one your own best friend, to decide to choose only to opt into things that are going to positively move you forward. That includes the relationships you choose to stay in and the people you choose to give your time to.
Essentially you have to put YOU first POSITIVELY. Because when you put you first, it ripples out to everyone around you and change creates change.
AND ONE LAST THING; become aware of the beliefs that have been embedded into your mind via the external world.
Innocent until proven guilty.
This very belief was my ‘excuse’ for investigating my partners for years.
FLIP THAT SHIT!
Repeat after me;
There’s nothing to prove. All I need to do is show up in the world each and every day as the person I want to be. I make all of my decisions based on hard facts. I ensure that every decision I make uplifts me and those around me.
Trust is earned.
This belief, oh crickey! If it’s not obvious that this belief exacerbates a suspicious mind I don’t know what is!
Repeat after me;
Trust gives me freedom. I make my decisions based purely on hard facts. I ensure that every decision I make uplifts me and those around me.
What beliefs are you currently living by that are leading you down a path of misery?
Make a list and then FLIP IT!
Bare in mind that if the beliefs you currently hold, were taught to you by people who haven’t been successful in this area of life, it’s a wise decision to ensure that the advise you take is from people who ARE successful in this area. To ensure that the beliefs you allow into your mind are positive and will allow you to move forward.
If you’re feeling stuck, there’s a belief that needs to flip. Ask yourself what that is.